FACET Topics: Friends/Leisure

Engaged couples do not suddenly end the friendships they had prior to marriage. They eventually find that they begin to develop mutual friends hopefully including some married friend couples. Ideally, they are to become each other's best friend. All those other friendships prior to marriage and even during marriage, have their place but the marital relationship needs to take priority. This doesn’t mean that they shouldn’t have other friends; in fact, friendships can and often do support the marital relationship. It does require, though, some clear rules and boundaries agreed upon by the two of them so that friendships remain supportive, not a distraction from the marital relationship. This section looks into the healthy nature of friendships and interests. Balancing time apart and time together will be an important area of agreement or negotiation. One may want more togetherness than the other while their partner might be looking for more time apart. It is a matter of adjusting and compromising: one can give more space in order to get some closeness, while the other can give more closeness in order to get more space.
Generally speaking problems within marriage should be resolved by the couple, and privacy should always be respected. Complaining to a friend about your spouse's behavior can undermine marital unity. It also does little to resolve the issue especially if complaining to someone else is a substitute for discussing the issue directly with one’s spouse.

Additional Questions to assist the conversation:

• Which one of you prefers more closeness, relatively speaking, than the other?

• Which one of you prefers more space?

• How can you accommodate these differing styles through your friends and interests?

• Are there friends that your partner likes who you don't like? How do you deal with that issue as a couple?

• Are there areas of your relationship that you do not wish to be shared with others?